why must boys act like puppies and follow you around and then go cower in the corner when you tell them that its not gonna work out. or that you aren't looking for a relationship right now. i didn't say never. i just said not now. and seriously, you dont fall in love with someone after 4 days. we weren't even exclusive. nobody knew about us. nobody even saw us hold hands. the only ppl that knew were best friends and confidantes. and now he wants to go run and tell the whole world about it!! i'm sorry i "broke your heart". i've only known you for like a week and a half. and most of that time i wasn't anywhere near you. we didnt  even hang out with the same people all that much. it was a one way flirt street. so quit your belly aching, grow up, and welcome to college. this isn't high school any more.

long story short back in february a boy came between me and a friend. and it all came crashing down in May.
in the end, we tried to work through it, she came to the conclusion she needed to step away for a while. so i left her alone. all freakin summer. and we're moving in together in 2 weeks, along with two other girls. and i've been trying to talk to her and she won't answer my texts. and i know she's alive and not really that busy. i mean she's on facebook and talking to other people. and the stuff i'm asking her about has to do with our living situation and she won't even give me a simple yes or no. ugh!! this is so frustrating.

we were both hurt by what happened. and she has always said she doesnt hold grudges. so whats the deal!? she obviously does hold grudges. and i've apologized and said my peace and she's done the same. but now.... its like she's still upset with me. i hate this. and i've finally come to terms with all this. with HIM. and with HER. i mean i'm ready to just move on with my life and start the friendship over and try again. thats how friendships are. you have one good fight. learn something about each other and yourself. and then you move on with life. we're going to be living together. we have to be cordial. we have to talk. and it hurts me that she is evidently still hurt. and i miss her. our friendship.

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when all is said and done. i'm done chasing and hoping and looking for that guy. if he wants me he'll have to fight his way to my heart. being single is so much more fun anyway. :D

i've become very nocturnal this week.
going to bed late, then not being able to fall asleep. i'm tempted to just stay up all night and then crash tomorrow night. i'm half way there anyway. its after 5am.

and i'm sitting in my bed listening to ratatouille... however you spell that. not watching, just listening. this is the 5th time i've done that this week. the first two days were mary poppins. i finally got to watch all of it. i'm trying to figure out a bed time routine that will get me relaxed and ready for bed so that i dont just lay here

i thought maybe having a hot drink before bed might calm and warm my insides. that usually makes me feel as if i have a full stomach. i've been trying to loose weight. which has proved to be a year long battle. i've sworn off coffee, reserving it for rare occasions. like late night study sessions or early mornings. i don't like tea. and hot tea smells like urine to me. so what am i left with? hot chocolate and cider. cider is disgusting. so that leaves hot chocolate. which i love!!! but i can't drink that every night!! its counter productive! so i did a little looking around on the internet and found the idea of using hot water and lemon juice. it tastes good cold, so why not hot right? so thats what i'm trying at the moment. except that its TOO hot right now so i have to wait a bit... sigh.

~~~~~~~~
and i can finally say i'm over the one and only boy that tore my heart and dreams of love. i'm over him and i couldnt care less if i ever find another boy to divulge myself in.

holy freakin cow!! two work outs yesterday. a very hardcore one today. tomorrow is going to hurt. hardcore. but you know what? it feels good to know that i'm doing something good for my body. hahahaha, katie and i decided that our fitness goal is "hott damn!" b/c thats what the boys are going to say when we walk into a room! i'm tired of being fat and going up and down on the scale. its rediculous. this time i'm going to get skinnier than i've ever been AND i'm going to stay skinny! i ran a mile today, sprinting maybe a quarter to a third of it. i don't really know. i definately sweated a lot today thats for sure. my shirt was soaked when i left the cardio wing. my legs better look good when all is said and done, b/c they hurt so bad right now. and my triceps and biceps almost gave out on me today when i was lifting weights. oh! and we added the lat pull to our work out. i'm excited to working my back. its so weak now that i'm not in guard any more.
 
but i'm ready. i'm ready for change. and change is coming. i can feel it.

i like making out... and all the touching.. definately.

Not that i'm getting married any time soon. i have to find that man first. this was an assignment i had to do for my May Term class. i really like my answer. and even though it may have some loopholes, its my first real analysis of how i feel about marriage.

Being married is not just a physical or legal state of being. It is a spiritual stage in a person’s life that involves a deep relationship with another person. You trust that person with your life and your well being; a deep and meaningful relationship takes time and commitment.

It also takes a higher level of maturity to invest an individual’s emotions in each kind of intimacy with another person. An individual’s beliefs and values are unique and knowing how your significant other feels can affect how you feel about the relationship. The creative intimacy between each spouse is affected by philosophical intimacy. For example, different attitudes towards parenthood and disciplining children can destroy any attempt at a united front and teamwork. Psychological intimacy, philosophical intimacy, and creative intimacy all affect physical intimacy because of the emotional ties. Important differences of opinions can greatly affect how you feel towards a person. Each kind and level of intimacy is linked and co-dependent on the other; each affecting the overall success of a marriage. The maturity and age of two individuals plays a part in the depth of the overall intimacy of the relationship. If two individuals are separated by age and maturity, then their beliefs, interests, and reasons for marriage are influenced by different experiences.

Even though similar belief systems are important, I do believe that opposites attract. A person’s character and personality is not always entirely dependent on their morals, making it possible to work through differences. I believe that each spouse should complete the other. The husband should be strong in areas the wife is insecure and vice versa. If two individuals are exactly alike, then nothing new is brought to the table. I enjoy doing and learning different things. I’m not afraid of trying new things and there is a lot I still want to do in life. If my husband and I have done all the same things, then there isn’t anything new to talk about. I have a lot of passions and love discovering new ones; variety is important to me.

Marriage to me is a balance of differences and similarities that mesh together to complete one person. It is a commitment to love and care for a person emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be UNITED to his wife, and they will become ONE flesh.” Gen. 2:24

so those are my thoughts.

Why do they get us all worked up? why do they call us babe and love and honey. and worst of all baby. how is it that they get us all torn up inside? and in my case indigestion in the form of painful heartburn that makes me want to go throw up, it make my insides hurt so bad. this is entirely all too unfair! they play with our emotions and say things. and then make us feel like idiots. and i knew all this was coming to me. i knew it. i was terrified and still took the risk. i'm still terrified and trying to stop it from continuing. he doesn't understand me. and what he's doing to me. it will be hard but i'm going to get over it. and pull through all this heartache.

i love it! not so much b/c i talk to a whole lot of people on there but b/c it has so much to do. like yoville. and looking at pictures and reading convos. stuff like that.

and i have an eye infection. yippee. its starting to go away. oh and its now almost 3 am and i haven't been able to fall asleep. i finished all my calculus hw except for like 2 problems that i got stumped on. next on my to do list is to study for the calc test on wednesday, which is tomorrow now. and i have to start studying for finals. yuck. they are next week. but i'm going to a friends house this weekend and i need to get studying in before then. i have my two biggest tests on monday and thursday will be interesting with one at 11 and the other at 2. my plan is to get the majority of my memorizing done before the weekend. which will be difficult with all the last minute things to be done. like battle of the bands. and there are intramurals to attend.

i'm really nervous about finals. and i don't get nervous about them. ever. so i don't know what i'm going to do. maybe since i'm staying up all night doing random hw i'll get everything done in time. which reminds me. i have another assignment due on thursday. i think i'll try and get it done tonight. then i can spend the rest of today studying and catching up on sleep.

and then maybe, just maybe i can fit a social life in there.

i do a lot of stuff for other people. but at the same time i  do a lot of stuff for myself. to protect myself. to keep from getting hurt. but i still do, ya know? i still get hurt. and its painful. and troublesome to go through that. to know that you've done most of this to yourself and realize that you don't have a lot to give. to realize that you are nothing. that you are broken. and that you can't do much about it. b/c you've dug the hole, but forgotten to bring the ladder.

and i know that I am the one who needs to ask God to pick me up out of it. but lately its been more like some one else had brought me a ladder. and its broken. and i keep falling off, or the rungs are broken. or something like that.

i've caused most of this grief myself. and i don't like where i am right now.

sometimes i just wanna feel loved. not the kind of love family and friends have. the passionate love of a significant other. i want to be the couple that everyone talks about. and wants to be. the kind that takes one step at a time and...... just loves each other beyond any measurable means. to just be loved seems easy enough... right?

so when a relationship is established, is that when the need to spend time with that person is lost?
is it only when the relationship is growing and when both individuals wish to develop that relationship that time spent together is desired?
i wonder.
is it the strength of the relationship that makes physical proximity irrelavant?

just thinking about haveing a relationship scares me. no it terrifies me.
but in all honestly it stops me in my tracks with paralyzing fear like  a deer in headlights.

why? b/c there are no gauruntees. no sure fire way to NOT get hurt.
and i don't want to get hurt.

been doing good so far. not a whole lot of friends in college but a few close ones. and thunder is still my b-fri. college is fun!! i love it!!! and i love going to a private school and having sucha  christian atmosphere. don't know what else to say but that i'm loving life.

and my baby cousin is like my favorite right now

stuck in a rut i don't know whow to get out of

I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

haven't been here in a long while....
tends to happen when school starts i think

i like college so far and i'm loving my new friends and all that. I'm friends with one of the ra's and i love that ppl can be so welcoming here. what i don't like tho is that i joined hall council to get involved and have a small voice on things....

and the rd is asks us questions to see how we like things.... but when i say my opinion she never likes it and always dismisses it. i hate it when ppl do that to me. it always makes me really mad or really embarrassed. and today it made me really mad. also... one of the ra's did it to me. not the one i'm friends with a different one. and that made it worse. i just needed to say that and write it out so that i could coninue studying for my test tomorrow.

later peeps

i hate english teachers
they are all arrogant children!!!

i can't stand it!!!! i was so excited the first day to have a good english teacher and today.....
she goes psycho on us!!!!!
makes me mad and i just... GRRRRR!!!!!!!

i was so excited! i had done all my hw and hadn't stayed up too late doing it. i was caught up in most everything and i was so ready to good in that class!!! i had taken notes and highlighted and i had felt really prepared for the class today.

BUT NO!!  she decides that we should've done the hw for next class for this class and totally negates the fact that she told us the syllabus was always right!!! and according to the syllabus SHE is wrong!!!

this all happens literally 30 seconds after she says that she is never wrong!!!!!

most frustrating thing ever!!!!

i love college. 
but i've been sooo busy lately.
i love being around christians.
i love being here.
i just love it. 

From my history professor: The 19th century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “If Christians want me to believe in their Redeemer, they need to look more redeemed.”
more on the subject:

good read, eh? ;)

college. well....
right now i'm only here for band/guard. oh and orientation is tomorrow and for the rest of the week. i need school to start so i'm not soooo bored!!! but i've made some new friends and i really could see myself being friends with them in a few years! 

theres this thing called the parlor and its like our little hang out and we love to just there and watch the olympics and mess around on the internet. we have fun here!!! and the guard here is so small and we don't practice as much as we mess around.. its a nice change :)

anyway i love it here! 

i <3 my olympian cousin too.

i can't wait to be on my own. neither can my parents, i think.
last night was fuunnn!!! i saw sisterhood of the traveling pants 2 with my college group girls. they are amazing! played wii with college minister. lost. played with one of the girls. poned!!!! spent the night and woke up to the cutest little puppy looking me in the eye and giving me kisses on the cheek :D . drove to work in the worst rush hour traffic AND didn't hit anything. even tho i was driving my mothers bus of a suburban. the girls were sweet today. came home and packed some more. bought a rug for my room. LOVE IT!!! can't wait to see my bfri tomorrow before i leave. and i'll see hoffner too. i'm excited! 

talked with college ministers wife. love her! talked a lot about family and she asked a lot about me. and talked about how i relate to carmen in the afore mentioned movie. i hope i didn't confuse her tho. cuz my life isn't exactly like hers but i still relate to the character. i love america ferrera! always entertaining to watch her!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and i'm completely hooked worst show ever..... Secret Life of an American Teenager!!!!!
this show has horrible acting, a horrible script, and the story line is even a bit cheesy.
7th heaven at least had decent actors and writing.

and yet i sit down and waste an hour watching it every week! I just want everything to be ok with amy and ben and i want ricky to become a better person. and adrian too. i did notice that jack was cut out of the show this week. i'm glad cuz his character really didn't have a purpose in all this.

a friends said this show is very anti pro life. i see it to be opposite. and it seems to remain neutral on most issues surrounding teenage pregnancy.

which brings me to this:
my cousin is due the 21st fo THIS month!! i'm so anxious to welcome sophie juliet into the world!!! i'm calling her fifi. its like gigi but not. ;) i'm so excited! 
but i still worry about her momma. raising that child. her momma is not that much younger than sophie's grandmother was when her momma was born. oh well. 
"sophie" does mean prude tho, so somethings seems to be working in her favor already ;)

baaa baaa black bad day! have you any wool friends?

thats right.
it was a bad day.

first the kids i bsit were horrible little monsters.
then i had a minor crisis with my b-fri. it was the worst feeling EVER!!!!  i'm leaving for college soon and i've been thinking about how i'll be all alone. so i text her. starting our whole hey thing. its our way of asking what the other is doing without making each other feel obligated to do something with the other. we also do it when we haven't seen each other in a while. so anyway, i start it and she's hanging out with a girl on guard. which i know her cuz she was on guard last yr when i was. anyway they are practicing together. and then i start to freak out. what they become best friends? what if i'm left all alone and we aren't b-fri's any more? and i start think. she doesn't get it. at all. i'm leaving in less than a week. i won't be back for a while. we won't be able to hang out for a long time. she is gonna be with other ppl for the rest of the year and i'm gonna be left with no one. she really is one of the only close friends i have. and i'm scared that i won't have any when we've gone our separate ways.

so we never got to hang out tonight.

but i did ask her if she thought we would be friends after i left. she said yes. and i completely believed her.
but now i wonder if she just said it to make me feel better...
i just don't know what to do.